nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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