The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
