3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
