I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
