even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
