woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
