I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
