Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
