I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
