It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
