Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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