Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
