Plan B is the new Plan A
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
