No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize