im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
