Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
