Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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