I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
