tequila makes me forget i have legs
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
