My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
