I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
