I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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