Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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