I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I can't put those talents on a resume
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
