That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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