ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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