i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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