Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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