Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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