i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
