I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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