Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Shame - the story of my life.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
