I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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