I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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