I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
