You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
