sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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