Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
