Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
