An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
