my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
