The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
