me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
