my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
