Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
