NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
