Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
