dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
