y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
