U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
50% drunk capacity currently
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
