I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
