How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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