So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
