you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
