These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Let's get the cat blown out
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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