Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He shit in the fireplace
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize