I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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