There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
