my room smells like sperm. sweet.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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