But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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