If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
