My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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