My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
