I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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