I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
