I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
