dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
