Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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