Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
