Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
