is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Everything about him screamed your future.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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