You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm at about main and main street
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
