and she was petting her beer can
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize