my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
